This is what I do, but you are below the surface of everything. I have tried numerous forms of counsellor and you would be pleased to know that they all confirm that I have no choice but to give you space and to get on with my own life. Many times each day my brain plays tricks. My vision cruelly morphs the most unlikely strangers in to your shape. A tiny glimmer of hope briefly possesses me when I see someone who might be you.
I look out for you on every street corner. I know that you think that I should be happy, because I still have your sister at home to care for, but that is not how motherhood works. Rejection in a romantic love relationship is deeply painful, but from a son, the wound cannot heal over with time. I miss you every 20 minutes until it makes me feel sick. I have looked up estrangement on the internet and all I can find are examples of forced marriage or violent alcoholic parents, or similar. All of the anger, which has been building up in you since you were 17 – what is that fully about? All I want is for you to let me know if you intend this silence to last for ever? If so, then please help me to understand why. I am pleased for you and I am proud of you whether you want that or not. I am happy that you are forging ahead with your passions and your friendships.
Will this silence last for ever? I ought not to equate my agony to grieving for the dead: you are alive, so I hold on to hope with faltering fingertips. It has been 10 months since that final day. How long do you need? I have tried many forms of contact but you block me.
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